to be everything, to be one thing

You’ve probably never wished to be a fish.  Today, I am wishing to be a fish, for the first time.  I’m sitting in a quiet house with 2 boys sleeping and I have a whole hour in front of me to choose my activity.  If I were a fish, I wouldn’t have to choose.  A fish can just exist.  A fish can just be.  A fish is designed for one purpose (well in addition to sitting on my kitchen table looking cute), to swim.  To survive.  I’m sure there is a more ecological answer, but that’s the gist of it.  I want to have just one job!  And I want to be REALLY good at it!

If I could just be a [wife and] mother.  Just play with my children, teach them, love them, serve them.  But that would be ignoring a multitude of gifts I believe God has given me with purpose.  So how do we juggle them all?  Whether it be hospitality & hosting others, being a good listener & friend, doing acts of service for others, having compassion, living out justice and mercy for others, or the ability to teach well, lead well, sing well, play well- I think there is a constant pull and tension on a person’s life.  My husband and I have chosen a life for ourselves.  One that we have decided should serve others and put others’ needs before our own.  We are not perfect, we think of ourselves and our needs/wants/desires often- but we continually strive to live a life that goes beyond our personal agenda and preferences.  Our sons have been invited into that.  An afternoon at home building a fort is just as important as a trip to deliver food to a friend  though.

We have a superhero living in our house.  He happens to be three, and very special to me.  Sometimes I wish I was a superhero too.  If I had one power it would be this: the ability to compartmentalize my life.  I think it would be a horrible and freeing power to have.  When I want to be mom, I would have the power to be 100% there for my kids.  Not distracted by email, facebook, laundry, bills, work.  When I want to be wife, I could erase all the day’s experiences that had drained the energy and passion from me, and be 100% available to my husband, attentive and loving.  When I go to work, I could be so focused and un-distracted by the little voices replaying the morning toy fight, tantrums over breakfast, or tearful goodbyes as mommy heads off to work.  compartmentalization would revolutionize my life.

And yet, my life couldn’t be what it is without the constant ebb and flow, quiet and chaos,  sleep deprived and caffeinated conversations.  What is most exhausting about life, is also the most exhilarating.  What drives me bonkers also inspires the crazy dreams in me.  The love and affection from my family that is sporadic and desperate (almost always passionate) throughout the day is my lifeline.  The hardest thing about wanting to be everything, to use all my gifts well, is that I can get so caught up in the details and distracted by the hopeful end result rather than soaking in the process.  I might never feel like I do everything extremely well (in my own opinion), but I don’t think trading my chaos for the life of a fish would be all that satisfying.

I have come to my conclusion: I would not like to be a fish.  No offense fish.

p.s. I suppose the only way I would like to be classified as a fish is if I were to say my one job in life is to love Christ.  In that sense, I could be a fish.  But that answer wouldn’t have allowed me to process what I did just now, so maybe that is why I didn’t think of it until just now.